


Love That is Painful, Was Not Love From The Start

by YourMySky



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, M/M, Psychological Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-02 04:13:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5233673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourMySky/pseuds/YourMySky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kris left like a dream in the middle of the night, and words never said threaten to break Suho.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

  _Memories, like the falling rain,_

_Scatters throughout the street_

_When I am feeling lonely, with a lowered head,  
                      I hear your voice_

_Feeling the wind against my wet shoulders  
                                                 I resent you_

**_A love that hurts so much  
                           Was not love from the start_**

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

   

Suho woke up disoriented,

Dream and reality were blurring around the edges for him again, and it took a few moments for the blonde to collect himself.

Images of long legs, and pink lips stretched in a smile passed him by, and Suho cried.

He had dreamed of Kris again.

Laughing, playing, being silly.

The worst part he had learned through the weeks was always waking up. The moment he realized it was all nothing but a memory,

It wasn’t real anymore, even if everything in him, was screaming for it to be.

And the life he had been living had become the true nightmare.

_These days he welcomed dreams were more than reality._

 

++++++++++++

 

A month,

It had been a month now since he had walked out that door. Taking that scent, that voice, that face with him.

And all his memories were surrounded by a foggy haze in his mind .

But it had only been a month.

Do we really forget the ones we hold so dearly just like that? To the point that all that remains in our minds, are a dim memories of what once used to be.   

Suho lay on his bed and closed his eyes, trying to bring back the face that always seemed to ghost behind his eyelids. Lips, stern eyes, a mouth set in a hard line.

Again and Again it would pass by him; thick eyebrows, soft laughs, large hands pushing hair off of eyes, pale skin, a jawline that grazed the air around.

Memories passed, images passed, tears fell but what was the point… he wouldn’t come back.

 

  
They probably will never be allowed in the same room as him again, probably never get to hear that low baritone again.

Won’t see that beautiful face again.

“Kris… Kris... Kris” Suho breathed out, like maybe saying that name would somehow make him appear. Like all this never happened.

    

 

He missed him. The way he would fall asleep on the couch peacefully, the way he held himself, the person he was.

But he also hated him. He hated the other's stubborn personality, his aloofness, how he kept to himself, how even though they were so close, sometimes it felt like they were miles apart…

A choked cry left the blond as he buried his face into his hands.

Strangled yells were all that he managed these days though. He could never properly cry, like his body and mind couldn’t accept the fact that the other leader was gone.

He faced everyday with rehearsed lines and practiced smiles. The words we are eleven, and this is now the start of Exo would leave his and his members lips a million times, but he never believed them.

They were empty words meant to ease the pain of their fans, and followers. They all secretly hoped it would ease their own too. And maybe it did for some, but Suho never found any solace in it.

Why though?

Kris had made his decision, he chose to leave, he chose to keep it to himself, he didn’t even trust them, his brothers,

His members,

His business partners?

Bile rose up his throat again and he pushed it back down

Gone Suho thought

**_Gone._ **

 

 

The door creaked open and Chanyeol came into the room with careful steps.

“Suho” he said, voice empty, face cold.

Their broken leader looked over acknowledging the others presence.

“Were you crying again?” the redhead asked.

And Suho looked away and back to the ceiling.

Chanyeol made his way over to the bed. It dipped and groaned under his weight, as he climbed on top of the older, straddling him.

“ _Look_  at me” he whispered, and warm breath ghosted over Suho’s skin raising goosebumps as he looked up.

“Stop torturing yourself already Joonmyeon-hyung.”

_Joonmyeon...?_

Oh right his real name.

The real identity. The one that loved Kris, the one that was a coward, the one who was a little less then the rest.

Suho was stronger, Suho was beautiful and proud, Suho knew how to take on the world and put up appearances.

He liked Suho better.

“Joonmyeon” came Chanyeol’s voice again.

“Suho” he immediately corrected.

 

 

The redhead, sighed a tired and defeated sigh as he met the olders lips in a soft delicate kiss. He kissed him gently pushing all the love and worry he felt for the leader into him. He kissed him like he was the most fragile thing in this world. Like any moment Suho would turn into the ashes of the unrequited love he held, finally burning out.  

However sweet kisses never lasted long. Suho would eventually push the kiss into something more,

Something more desperate,

Wanting,

Something laced completely in lust with brokenness at its core.

Fragile fingers eventually found purchase in red hair, and tongues danced in wet awaiting caverns

It had been a very testing period for such a young group and both of them had been wound tight, now coming undone.

"Chanyeol, Chanyeol, Chanyeol" Suho chanted over and over again as his hands clung to soft fabrics. Layers were torn off in quick practice and made into a pile on the floor.

"More" Suho sighed prettily and the younger thought he would come just from the words leaving the leaders mouth.

 

 

He was stretching Suho up, barley three fingers in, before the older slapped his hands away and looked up at him with glassy eyes. "Enough, just put it in."

Suho always enjoyed the burn the first push in would give him. Like it was some kind of sick punishment to himself

But Chanyeol did as he was told, punishing himself in his own way too.

He always blamed himself for what happened to the Exo-K leader.

Maybe if they had just noticed earlier how he was feeling,

Maybe if they didn’t let him take all that stress alone…

He pushed in slowly, his dick barley lubed and Suho barley stretched.

The blonde gave a pained cry from underneath, but kept a firm grip on Chanyeol’s shoulders pulling him closer.

Pain danced along soft features and everything felt right.

Chanyeol handed out the pain while Suho took the punishment. The aggressor and the weak, both sad pathetic roles in life.

He waited a little for the leader to adjust before he started a rough fast pace. Pushing in and out, savoring the feel, savoring his cries, savoring him.

Their sighs turned into pants, pants in turn became breathy moans and moans made way for gasps.

Suho writhed and cried obscenely under him not a care in the world to the noise he was making.

But the members had come to welcome this to their everyday lives. Suho’s cries before bed time.

 

“Faster… harder” the older said between gasps, clutching tightly to his back.

Chanyeol himself,  kept a firm grip on Suho’s waist, hands laying on top of ribs that had been getting more and more prominent as weeks went by.

A small frame that only shrunk more everyday.

They both came after a few minutes, Chanyeol with a groan and Suho with a choked sob that sounded like a cry for help. A cry to save him from himself.

What came after the high was the usual.

Weariness,

A black out,

And then Joonmyeon would wake up in soft smiles.

“Whoa! Hey Chanyeol, I guess I just totally passed out. What happened?”

Chanyeol, or whoever was there that night would smile and say the same practiced line, “oh nothing you were just tired, I came to see if you were ok but you look fine”

The older would laugh, nod and then Chanyeol would leave wishing,  _Joonmyeon_  a good night.

The members would be waiting for him,

He would tell them there was no difference, and everyone would fall into an eerie silence.

 

++++++++++++

 

Regret was the ghost that haunted Suho for not saying the words he wanted to say sooner.

Whispered secrets and stolen words left unsaid.

Burdens weakened him more and trust became something foreign.

Maybe a day would come when he would be ok again,

When everything wouldn’t hurt and the self-loathing would make way for a path, where he would learn to love himself again.

And where the person who left,

Whose thoughts haunted him,

Would just become a cherished memory instead.


	2. As Long As Days Carry Me Forward, I'll Remember You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Kris left it practically broke Suho, just when he learns to stand on his own two feet again a letter comes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A sequel i wrote for my shitty fic ='))))

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_“So I penned a letter in his name,_

_A letter for my angel to read.”_

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

A year has passed. Awards have been won, concerts taken place, albums released, solo activities finished and I finally,

**_Finally._ **

Hear from you again.

Things have changed so much but why is it that when I see your name again my heart still flutters?

Opening the letter in shaky breaths I read the words penned by your hands.

 

_+++++++++++++++++++_

 

_Dear Joonmyeon,_

_How have you been? It’s been a while right?_

_I’m not really sure where to start or if you will even bother reading this but I wanted you to know my feelings._

_So I’ll start with I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry I left,_

_I’m sorry I kept it from you all,_

_I’m sorry I never amounted to the leader I should have been. You guys might call me a coward, a traitor, and you might cast me aside but I’ll gladly take those punishments because even I feel that I have failed you._

_I don’t know how to even go about explaining myself._

_However out of all the things I want you, my members to know, I hope you know I truly and really did care about all of you._

_Actually right now as I’m writing this letter it’s such a foreign feeling, because it’s so quiet here._

_It’s been like that alot since I left. Putting up with the silence that feels as if it’ll engulf me whole._

_Having had lived with eleven other boys we rarely ever had a moment of peace to ourselves right? There was always liveliness, chatter, laughter, and fights._

_There was always life._

 

 

 _Suho, Suho,_ **_Suho..._ **

_I’m just…_

 

 

_We were young and still hopeful. New to our dreams and the path we were about to take._

_We had worked hard, cried blood sweat and tears. Some of us separated from our family. Others barley making ends meet, but we did it._

_We made wishes come true, we made people proud, we made history._

_But somewhere along that way I got lost._

_It’s not that the fans didn’t matter anymore, or you all didn’t matter anymore, I just…_

_I felt bitter…_

_You guys would give everything, and put your all in with smiles on your worn down faces, and no regrets, but I couldn’t do that. At first it confused me, then I became ashamed, after that mad, and by the end of it I was just bitter and tired and exhausted._

_It hurt so much… forcing smiles for those people who believed in me so wholeheartedly. And all I was doing was harboring regret and I felt like I was cheating everyone._

_It was like a poison twisting in my gut and slowly killing me everyday._

_So Suho…_

_I understand if these reasons just seem pathetic to you, because they still do to me too, but I needed to get out._

_In all honesty I have no idea where this decision I made will take me._

_I trusted what I thought was best, and I’m taking every day with faith that tomorrow will bring better. Not only for me but for you all too._

_I can only trust that even though what I have done has hurt many, but that the outcome will be favorable in the end._

 

 

_My only wish though, is that you all forget me._

_And I hope the pain I caused you will only be temporary._

_Because we are young, because we give our hearts away so easily, and because we trust so easily_

_I also know we heal and learn to live again, albeit with scars_

_And so to the small collection of scars we have accumulated in our young lives._

_I hope the one my departure has left, will be the smallest of all. I don’t want to be the cause of your pain._

 

 

_Joonmyeon._

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry to you the most. Because you loved me so innocently._

_I do think of you often._

_Of you who I left._

_You who laughed soft laughs as if afraid, but cried with your whole heart from hardships you endured._

_I hope you know it wasn’t your fault._

_And that your love only supported me and made me feel even stronger then when I was alone._

_It wasn’t you_

_Our future just felt pitch black, and I admit, I am too much of a coward to fight it through for us._

_So I'll end with this,_

_That I hope my love…_

_While I lay asleep tonight,_

_You find the courage to move on_

_Wrap your arms around another who is able cherish,_

_Someone so dear, such as you._

 

_With love,_

Kris

 

  _+++++++++++++++++++_  

 

Joonmyeon put down the letter with shaky hands and tried to take a few deep breaths to calm his racing heart, but when it came to Kris his body never listened. Instead he fell into the mattress and sobbed like he never had before. He cried for the man he thought might return, for the hope he held, and for the innocent first love that cracked, broke and fell to pieces.

At first Joonmyeon couldn’t come to terms with that letter.

It was hard for him to accept the fact that Kris couldn’t love him like he loved the other, And that for Kris this was a burdensome and tricky love.

He cried because in truth, he had loved Kris far more than Kris was able to love him.

 

_+++++++++++++++++++_  

 

It came many days, many weeks, many months later,

For Suho's acceptance of the circumstances,

Kris, the man he met so many years ago. The one who commanded attention and respect of all those around him and found a way into his heart.

It took a while, but Joonmyeon learned to let him go.

Maybe it was his fault for just loving the other too much.

A love that held that free spirit back and entrapped him in miserable destiny with nowhere to go.

In the end Joonmyeon let the man who he had caged into a prison in his heart, fly free like he was supposed to.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank u for reading this trash fic. It's the few first ones I wrote and I know how much it sucks =')))


End file.
